Parenting

Parenting is a bloody tough business. I used to think that not letting the Joker play, was difficult. I also used to think that building an operating system from source was bloody hard--- exhilirating, thrilling and filled with adrenaline as you could feel the power of everything coming into focus, under your command, the greatest thing in the world. i imagine, formula one car drivers feel the same way--- when a synergy of man and machine become the epitome of perfection. Having turned in my "Evil Overlord" credentials, busy people unload their stuff on your lap and so a moment of quiet coffee at the local cafe turned into a babysitting ordeal, simply because one is "free". Somehow i missed the point where a life of quiet leisure became a stigma. what the heck, the things you do for blood!

So for today, Jacel, a four year old little girl--- my niece flew under my batwing. we were batman and robin, sans the pointy ears, cloaks and utility belts. my niece to her mother and grandmother's credit is a well behaved and smart creature. so off we went to the nearest mall. Though i would have wanted to go to Mall of Asia, as some suggested, the batcomputer in my cave was running all sorts of things--- building stuff with the coolest toy to date--- parallels. after all, just because we turned in our "Evil Overlord" active member card and swapped it for reserve membership, doesn't mean we have to be "entirely" unproductive!

walking around was quite easy. having never looked after someone so little and 23 years my junior was entirely a new experience. i mean, how can ensuring radioactive material arrives in good working condition to the nearest specialty hospital help in times like this? or for that matter, building the perfect batarang be of help? CPU speeds, RAM, hard drives--- these are things men such as myself understand. what little girls do, four year old little girls do for that matter is like living from a different galactic dimension. so off we went to the video store, looking for something to watch. there was nada mind you. i kept glancing at the video where people shoot 'em up. Little miss Jacel was browsing at "Toy Story 2". And while we never did settle for a video, we walked towards a bookstore. She ran at all the pretty children's books and toys. she handed me a toy--- something to do with hair from reading the package. in my mind, how should i know what this is? and she kept asking me what was it for. "we'll ask your mother," I said.

so we left the store, me basically afraid of whatelse this little robin might ask. i decided we should have lunch. Pizza was out of the question. she eats pizza of course, but not her favorite meal in the world and probably not one her mom might approve of. and i can't very well finish eight slices of pizza all by myself! so, what do little girls eat? this one was a no brainer of course. all i had to do was think of what i used to eat myself: fast food.

little robin likes chicken. now, i'm partial to double cheeze burgers myself--- yet i doubt that little girls would. so i picked fillet chicken for her and i got chicken nuggets. i figured, if she didn't like the chicken, we could always swap. and of course some french fries, her absolute favorite.

having sat down, i opened her stuff. i know she could eat by herself, her mother and grandmother are excellent teachers in that department. all i needed to do was slice her chicken, pour some gravvy and all done. and so for a few minutes she did. and i slowly ate my chicken, dipping into some source. occassionally glancing at my young charge, she began to slow down in her consumption and slowly kept twisting and glancing about. we were in trouble. i started feeding her myself. slicing chicken to smaller bits and dipping in more sauce and a little rice. and we were munching along. every other second, i would quickly take a bite off my nuggets. the little robin then said that the chicken was slightly spicy. i tasted it--- it wasn't. still being a kind former evil overlord, i offered her a taste of my chicken nuggets. it was a good though on my part mind you. i'm not that insane not to think children aren't easily satisfied. after telling her it wasn't spicy and offering the nuggets, she wanted to keep her chicken and i asked her to drink her soda.

then came more signs of unrest. the continous glances at the other kids playing for instance tipped me off. and she was eating more slowly by the minute. we need a little incentive! so i told her if she finishes her rice, we will buy ice cream. and the little rascal's eyes lit up. what kid could possibly ignore ice cream? and we were back on track, munching along. last bite, well she did have a few more spool full of rice left but after finishing her chicken, i guess it was all right. having consumed my own food, which by the way took way longer than i usually do, we cleaned up and walked out of fast food and towards an ice cream stand, a promise is a promise after all.

not a moment too soon, my mother phoned me saying she was nearby already! i was saved! i mean--- we were saved! it was getting to be boring just walking around, i didn't even know how to keep a conversation with a kid. what cartoons were they watching on tv these days anyway? she of course doesn't respond to batman and robin or superfriends of justice league. whats a poor uncle to do?

we met my mother outside another fast food place inside the mall. so my mother, after a bit of begging took custody of her granddaughter and they ate at the said fast food place. the little rascal was muching along her hot french fries and i escaped to walked the halls of the temple of shopaholics in peace but not too long. after having consumed in peace a frozen cup of coffee, i set out to find my mother and niece. they were at the supermarket. my mother's sister, called her up saying she was also nearby.

while my mother met up with my aunt, the little rascal and myself slowly walked to the parking lot. "slow" isn't exactly the way to describe it. she was jumping and running and dancing along the way. what did my mother feed the little robin?! so while we waited for her grandparents by a Benq showroom, she was dancing and running and jumping along. too bad there was a pretty young woman in the area browsing at some stuff, obviously also waiting for someone.

anyway, my mother and aunt arrived and so we started to make our way to the parking lot a top. and so my day as a babysitter was over. between battling the joker, building a custom os from source and 4 year old little girl, which is easier? adorable creatures children are, one can understand the difficulty of being a parent. I have never been more thankful for grandparents.

that way or not

Love blinds us to her follies,
     makes us see her in impossible light
     and everything is good,

Love is a poison that corrupts our perceptions
     and rids us of all reason save every
     waking and sleeping moment
     Her lovely face is etched in undying memory,

Love is nothing more than madness!
     impetus to feats of insanity and stupidity
composing nonrhythmic garbage like this,

Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori
Virgil's lines saying love conquers all;
     and let us submit to love.

Love is a responsibility, 'n selfishness!
     all history reminds,
as simple, a friend wrote:
     Love's a kindness, we give ourselves,

Love is all of this and none of that,

when Love's Day becomes Twilight,
a wise mother-saint said:
Love's success is in the loving
However we want the best for Our Love
if it be that way or not,
     diminishes not what we have done,

what madness does?

Beloved, what madness does?

trumpets roar into the night,
here We be--- cloaked in darkness,
Praenuntis Excessium,
     an angel of death, our sword
     by our hand shine bright
     amidst moonlight,
and that terrible rag flies a top
     Nevermore's mast,

what folly!

My Dogs of War in the darkness fight
metal against metal, metal on flesh
and the screams--- what terrible screams
     pollute this night!

men fall on my battlefield
the darkness shattered by flames
     scorching flesh, material and land,
cold air rush n' wretched stench---
     awaken every sense,

this I exchanged
for your soft curves
     that smell sweet perfume,
for your warm embrace
     and sunshine smile,
for your hear---
     what beauty there be!

an empy bed in Islands of Darkness,
what madness does, Beloved?
oceans of blood, mine--- fill this deck,
heart's shattered in grief,

apt this ship named,
     that carries only folly,
     like the raven croaks,
nevermore! nevermore!

your note says it all!
when I come home, you won't be there,
nevermore! nevermore!
what folly I sow?

what madness does, Beloved?

when these hands gripped the tiller,
when wind carried Nevermore's sails----
When Poseidon's waves carried my Flag
with trumpet sound, my Dogs of War came,

what madness does, Beloved?
in another's arms you fly,

no words spoken to ask your hand Heart's desire,
this grief by choice knew must come
what folly Bloodlust be, rage through soul,
all this madness brings only Death,

what madness does, Beloved?

like a good General commit forces,
birds of prey above rain fury,
Dogs of War in frenzy,
and we let battle take hold,

in dark madness pray
what this heart beats for you---
     be mere memory,
all this madness brings more folly---

an Empire found barren,
And soon forgotten as if it never came,
all this madness, wrought only folly
all without meaning,

an unforgivable choice! madness!
let frenzy of battle consume we!
what is there left to be?
just a desolate burning hell
this fool has chosen,

sails filled with wind

here we be open sea,

Angel's sails all ready!

decks spit 'n polished,

helm answers splendidly!

Harbinger Death fashioned in crucible,

light 'n deadly strikes true!

by our back sheathed,

in iron warmly-peacefully

like a sleeping dragon

awaiting moment unleashed!

dark clouds we pass,

ray of hope horizon grows,

this heart knows--- it be briefly

soon these sails must take,

seas shrouded in black uncertainly!

these hands have grown,

wheel we know keep straight 'n true

this Mind lighted by crucible,

we shed childhood's innocence

though we know certainly,

there be powers greater than we,

mind more knowledgeable,

strength far surer

with Will in greater abundance,

a nobility that surpasses,

a wisdom unwaivering,

we know what these Hands can do,

what this Heart is capable

what this Will, never surrender!

we know the folly of our darkness

this we carry far greater than

they “friends” we acknowledge

have recognized 'n voiced!

we know our crime!

what madness righteousness brings, eh?

these sails when our day is done

not to heaven's gates journey,

hell's burning gates there fall!

we pray fervently these sails

with wind fully filled

to those lands 'n seas journey!

this Ark carrying weapons:

cannons, swords, full armory

'n 'course Mighty Harbinger Death!

all resolute wielded strong and true!

missed a bullet

just missed a bullet today. funny, i was expecting worst things but there you go. it was almost bad.

so whats wrong? why can't we execute properly?

*points at the mountain of potential business* oh right can't discuss that (all those non-disclosure/non-compete agreements, that i wrote myself, funny how those things go)

ok its real money, as real as it can get--- at least just the one project that we killed several thousands of trees for to print out in volumes or the months of work near singlehandedly these hands made, thought, pondered, and considered and at the end of the day know that for all its hidden stuff--- will work.

then there are the other businesses--- all with huge market potential on others is not as huge as the mountain-project-thingy but real money enough potentially, if it can be made.

why won't it execute? what was missed? what little detail isn't on target? why are these avenues blocked?

thats the frustrating part--- how to diagnose the problem and resolve it!

the wright bros. failed, countless of times. abe lincoln lost several elections before becoming a US President. but they all tried, and continued to push forward.

its just so bloody frustrating when you know that something will work, but doesn't? does that make sense?

like the song goes, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over agin.

its the only thing we can do.